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The Colbert Report/Episode/534
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro This Week In French Rioting News * thank America to make the choice to * soaked with gasoline, Stephen is a strike any where match * people are desparate * French have gone loco in the bagette ** kidnapped bosses locked them in invisible boxes * 3M boss was locked in his office ** French government gave him 6 months vacation * 3M is like a kidnapping super store * once again Americans will have to show the French how it's done ** just like we did with the mustache *** which is how we * Dr. Colbert has kidnapped Sumner Redstone ** in crawl space, eating from an automatic cat feeder * April Fools, that's not actually Sumner Redstone! The Economy * G20 summit in London * Slovenia * Laos * $cienbtology * Obama arrived ** goal fix shattered global economy ** that's why it's a full day * even Dr. Colbert gets confused ** Timothy Geithner made one thing clear, he doesn't want to be near any of it * everythign is changing too fast ** the only eternal thing: Matthew McConaughey shirtless on the beach *** oh, no with a wife and baby! * Tonight's Word ** Fine Line * Geithner released his plan ** Dow went up 500 points * Dow is easy to understand ** stock price of 30 companies *** uses average * BofA * McDonald's * when the line goes up, things are okay ** things are always better * the market had spoken * Dow speaks in language meaningless to most Americans * record highs ** 6 millions more Americans went into poverty ** wages * new index ** just as meaningless ** always goes up * The Line ** currently at 36,000 ** can be gold ** and the boobies are huge * complex algorithm * secretary of the line ** Alan Bronstein * projects confidence and zazz * we need something we can control, when everything is out of control ** something we can hold onto no matter how thin the thread Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. * bedside manner insists on cuddling * Cheating Death! * Prescott Pharmaceuticals, you're a customer for life, no matter how short that may be * Reproductive Health ** clearance sale at * Slim Tot Baby Appetite Suppressant * Formula $3.99 ** all the sperm doesn't meet the 401 standards * side effects ankle bearding precocious kidney hungry, hungry hipbones * Heart Health ** PolyPil * Dr. Nancy Sneiderman says drugs are cool ** can hardly tell it's Spring Break * why stop at 5 medications ** Ulta VaxaMax ** just one a day *** take it with food, includes full turkey dinner * side effects ** doesn't include spaghetti ovaries * pattern baldness Lou ferrignoes * Colon Health ** Miami colonoscopies * Prescott introduces: disposable endoscopes ** guaranteed clean, once is plenty ** and military-grade * Remember, use a gentle twisting motion * side effects ** scrotal bassoon ** Jimmy Crackcorns ** Harper subscriptions * At Prescott Pharmaceuticals, we bring good things to life (and bad things that we keep in cages) Interview * Dambisa Moyo ** book: "Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There Is a Better Way for Africa" * says we need to re-think how we send to Africa, apparently they're as sick of Bono as we are * Dr. Colbert has felt guilty for doing nothing * send boots, bootstraps * better way to help Africa * if not aid, will we have more money for ourselves ** AIG guys * what's better than aid * positive ways to support people ** free market, a regulated fashion, which isn't free * how did Africa get so poor? ** no sub-prime market * money is used in corruption * inflation * debt burden * intention is good ** model doesn't work * book talks about model does work * CARE, UNICEF are pyramid schemes * concentration job creation * aid groups bandaid solution * Diamond companies donate all the time * mobile communications' * banking * countries that are okay: ** South Africa ** Botswana * IMF predicts growth of 3% * blowing her chance of doing a duets album with Bono Epilogue * Dr. Colbert just remembered he never finished a game of hide and seek when he was 7 ** he shouts out "oly-oly-oxen free!" Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments